Kent: "This is Kent Brockman, reporting for Channel 6 news. We're here live at the First Annual Blinky Awards pre-show. We're looking for celebrities to talk to about tonight's gala event. Oh, here comes the master of ceremonies himself, Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby...MAYOR QUIMBY, can we have a word with you about tonight's show?"

Quimby: "Oh, alright."

Kent: "Mr. Mayor, how do you feel about the upcoming ceremony?"

Quimby: "Well, I just want to say I'm very excited about tonight's Bonky awards."

Bodyguard: (whispers) "Sir, it's the BLINKIES, not Bonkies."

Quimby: "Oh I mean, the Blinky Awards, of course. I just want to thank all the fans who nominated me for best fig..."

Bodyguard: (whispers) "Sir, you weren't nominated."

Quimby: (whispers back) "Not even for best supporting figure?"

Bodyguard: (whispers) "No sir, you were not nominated for ANY awards."

Quimby: "None? I want to know the name of the imbecile responsible for this travesty!"

Kent: "That of course would be the event organizer, a collector named Dennis Morgan, alias AmazingDM."

Quimby: "I want him DEAD! Oh, uh, can you edit that last part out later?"

Kent: (chuckles) "We're live on the air, Mr. Mayor. There you have tomorrow's headline, folks, 'Town Mayor Wants Local Collector Dead.' Now it looks like this show is just about to get underway. We of course have the collectors to thank for this ceremony, inparticular, AmazingDM, blueduck37, JediJones, markwars1972 and phalen180. Now without further doo..."

Squeaky-voiced Stagehand: (off-camera) "Uh, that's further 'ado,' Mr. Brockman."

Kent: "I don't say 'ado,' I say 'doo!' Without further doo, we bring you the 2000 Blinky Awards!"

Announcer: "Live, from Springfield Town Hall, welcome to the First Annual Blinky Awards...with your host, TROY MCCLURE!"

(Troy McClure walks to podium grinning facelift-to-facelift)

Troy: "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such awards shows as Springfield Retirement Home's Monthly Matlock Awards, the National Mr. Tight Buns Competition of 1996, Springfield's Stupidest Hamster Tricks of 1991, and of course, the Bi-Monthly Science Fiction Convention Exclusive Figure Awards from 1986 to present.

This first award goes to one lucky member of that favorite family of ours, THE SIMPSONS. And now, here to present the award for Best Simpsons Family Member Figure of 2000, please give it up for Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and Chief Wiggum!"

(applause)

Apu: "Oh! It is such an honor to be presenting this award to one of the Simpsons, who have been such loyal customers and friends but especially customers throughout the years."

Chief: "Yah, yah, that's nice, see, now here are the nominees..."

(voice clips of each nominee are heard)

Apu: "Oh, sweet mother of Ganesh! It looks like Mr. Simpson WILL be getting an award today, because..."

Chief Wiggum: "Homer Simpson is the first winner of the..." (squints to read teleprompter) "Blinky! Tell...Homer..to...come to stage. Oh, uh, Homer Simpson, come and get your award."

(audience looks around, murmuring)

(Homer is in the audience, snoring)

Marge: (in audience)"Homer, wake up, the show just started and you're already asleep!"

Patty: (in audience)"Yeah, ya fat yutz, they're giving out free fish sticks."

Homer: (in audience)"Mmmmmm...fish sticksss..."

Apu: "Would you kindly please accept your award before we give it to someone else instead, Mr. Simpson?"

Homer: "Um, uh...hmm. I want to thank Moe for all the beer, and um, hmm, Barney for all the support...umm, I'd like to thank my agent and lawyer and shoe-repair guy Lionel Hutz...Hans Moleman...the Squeaky-voiced Teen..."

Marge: (in audience)"HRMMMMM."

Homer "Oh, yeah, and Marge, Lisa, and the boy! Woohoo! I'm king of the world! Woohoo!"

(groans mingled with some applause)

Marge: (in audience, whispers)"Don't forget Maggie!"

Homer: "What's Maggie ever done? Nothing for nobody."

(applause, Homer walks off the stage)

Troy: "Our next award is for the Best Child Figure of 2000. Who better to present this award than Springfield Elementary's oddest couple, Principal Skinner and school bus driver, Otto!"

(applause)

Otto: "Oh, man, the most wild figure? Cooool, I nominate KISS: Carnival of the Psycho Zombies by MacFairlane Toys!"

Skinner: "No, Otto, turn your headphones down, it's for BEST CHILD figure."

Otto: "Oh, bummer."

(offstage)

Chief, to Lou and Eddie: "He sounds hepped up on goofballs to me, boys. Assume the position."

(Chief Wiggum turns to look offscreen at Lou and Eddie)

Chief: "Oh, for crying...not that position, the other one!"

(the cops assemble with guns cocked at the side of the stage)

Skinner: "The nominees for Best Child Figure of 2000 are..."

Skinner: "And the winner is, hmm, this is a surprise, MILHOUSE!"

(applause)

(while the cameras are on Milhouse, Otto is accosted on the stage by the cops and taken away)

Otto: (offscreen) "What a drag."

Milhouse: (in audience) "Cool, a Blinky!"

Luanne Van Houten: (in audience) "Go on, honey...oh, wait, let me clean that Squishee off your face...."

Milhouse: (in audience) "No, mom, you're embarrassing me, let me just go get my Blinky!"

(Milhouse trips on the steps on his way to the podium and takes an unfortunate spill)

Nelson: (in audience) "HA, HA!"

(Milhouse scrambles to get his glasses back on straight and accidentally knocks over the fishbowl which shatters on the stage)

Nelson: (in audience) "HA, HA!"

(Troy hurries back out to clear Milhouse off the stage)

Troy: "Alright, maybe you can go to the pet store and get a new one later, kid. The excitement's over, folks." (touches ear) "And I've just been told we'll be serving sushi at the after party! Our next award is for the Best Exclusive Figure of 2000, and here to present the award are the two churchies of Springfield, the big man himself, so holy he's on a first-name basis with God, Reverend Lovejoy, and Springfield's #1 churchgoer, his bomb shelter alone houses over 100 gallons of holy water, Ned Flanders!"

(applause, punctuated with a few cries of "Praise be Jebus!")

Lovejoy: (checks watch) "Well, Ned, who are the nominees?"

Flanders: "Well diddily-iddily, I daresay, Reverend, these are some of the worst nominees I've ever seen. Doggone-it if this isn't the biggest collection of sinners, demons, heathens, and deadbeats I've seen assembled in one place since Woodstock."

Lovejoy: (checks card) "Mm-hmm, that's special. Can we get on with it, Ned?"

Flanders: "Oh, lord, give me strength..."

Flanders: "Jeepers H. Crackers..."

Lovejoy: "Oh, give me that." (snatches card) "And the Best Exclusive Figure of 2000 is, THE DEVIL. And...wait a minute, this can't be right, according to this, here to accept the award is...NED FLANDERS?!?!"

(POOF! Ned Flanders transforms into the Devil, and picks up the award)

(audience gasps)

Devil Flanders: "Hoh, hoh, it's always the one you least suspect."

Skinner: (in audience) "How ironic."

Devil Flanders: "Bite my dust-diddily-ust, Springfield."

(POOF! Devil Flanders vanishes in a mist of brimstone and smoke)

Troy: "Okay, I don't think anyone was expecting THAT. Our next award is for the Best Custom Figure of 2000. A toy made BY the fans. Here to present this award is Mensa member Comic Book Guy and special ed student Ralph Wiggum!"

(applause)

Ralph: "Yay, I won!"

Comic Book Guy: (sarcastically) "Oh, you ignoramus. How wonderful, they pick me to present the award for the best bootleg toy, the only toys that have no accepted price guide value. The clay gods have chosen me as their emissary. Captain Sisko would be proud."

Ralph: (chewing on a Ralph action figure) "Mmm, blue clay tastes like blueberries!"

Comic Book Guy: "Oooh, I've wasted my life. The nominees are..."

Ralph: "Mommy says not to read the screen because the shiny words make my eyes hurt. I am supposed to say Deep Space Homer is the best costume figure, thank you." (walks off the stage)

Comic Book Guy: "Ehh, that is, without a doubt, the worst custom ever. The oh-so-talented, so-called creator of the figure in question, paulactionfig, was too embarrassed to attend, or so it seems, so Deep Space Homer will accept the award in his (snicker) honor."

(Deep Space Homer beams down onto the stage from an undisclosed location in outer space)

(applause)

Deep Space Homer: "Mmmmmm....Deep Space Blinky."

(Deep Space Homer beams away)

Troy: "There goes another fine honoree, if I do say so myself..." (covers face with hand, weeping) "Oh, God, I was robbed." (composes himself, lifts head up with big smile) "Our next award is for those figures so good that no one ever gets tired of them...variant figures! And here to present the award for Best Variant Figure of 2000 are two of Springfield's oldest and wisest...excuse me, two of Springfield's oldest, Mr. Burns and Grampa Simpson!"

(boos and applause)

Mr. Burns: "Pish posh, I'm here to present an award for a bunch of Johnny Made-A-Lots? Oh, very well. Who are the nominees, Abe?"

(Grampa has fallen asleep standing and is snoring)

Mr. Burns: "Oh for God's sakes...do I have to do everything myself?" (pauses)

Smithers: (runs up on stage, panting) "And the nominees for Best Variant Figure of 2000 are..."

Abe: "Aaah!" (wakes up) "Oh, the winner is...Ned Flanders as the Devil."

(awed hush)

(POOF! Devil Flanders reappears in a flash)

Devil Flanders: "Heh, heh, I'll never forget the day the Playmates designer was late on his deadline and traded me his soul for a Kamp Krusty Bart prototype. Watch what you ask for, mortals!" (transforms into horrific 100-foot tall demon with booming voice) "This category belongs to me!"

(Devil Flanders takes the award and POOF! disappears as quickly as he appeared)

Troy: "Haha, the production values are fantastic tonight, aren't they, folks. Give a hand to the crew!"

(camera shot of crew shows empty chairs, discarded Duff cans and equipment, and sign posted "On strike")

(Troy's eyes bug out and jaw drops)

Troy: "I've GOT to find out how he does that. It'd be great for my new movie, baby."

Sarcastic Middle-Aged Guy: (in audience) "You haven't been in a new movie since 1978."

Troy: (scowls) "Our next award is for Best Accessory of 2000, and our two presenters are...Moe, the local bar owner, and Lenny, the local lose...that is to say, the local bar patron."

(applause...applause tapers off but we still hear...)

Barney: (in audience) "Woo, yeah! Cheers!" (whistles)

Moe: "Yah, yah, okay, everybody, make sure to come down to my bar, Moe's Tavern after the ceremony, a free pitche...err a free mug of beer for everyo...for the winners."

Lenny: "Wow, this is one swell shindig. The nominees are..."

Lenny: "Hey, Moe, isn't that the phone you always get prank called on?"

Moe: "Yah and if I ever find the little snot-nosed punk who does it I swear I'll tear 'im a new..." (realizes he's on TV and gives phony smile) "...er, ah, I mean I'll give him a free drink on the hou...err, I'll give him a free lollipop." (mutters to himself) "'Eah, and I'll shove it right down 'is freakin' throat, too."

Dr. Hibbert: (in audience) "Oh, my Lord! That man clearly suffers from stage rage. UH-HUH-HUH-HUH." (chuckling)

Lenny: "Aw, nuts. Why weren't any of my accessories nominated?"

Moe: "That's probably 'cuz your accessories were about as original as a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning, Len."

Lenny: "Aw, nuts. And the winner of Best Accessory of 2000 is...Blinky! Aw, nuts."

(Squeaky-voiced Stagehand walks out and sets lone Blinky Award on the stage)

(applause, cheers, whistles, a STANDING OVATION)

Troy: "Mmm, that's one fine-looking fish." (licks lips and stares...two minutes pass, and audience grows audibly restless) "Ah, haha, sorry if I trailed off there, folks. This ceremony has been so long and exciting I can barely keep my eyes on the cue cards. Now, even more exciting, a commercial break! We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor, Duff Light. It's smooth and refreshing, but oh, so light, for that lightheaded feeling you just can't live without! Duff Light, how can it be wrong when it feels so light?"

(backstage)

Apu: "Oh, Sanjay, I am so worried. If I win the award for Best Supporting Character Figure, the Kwik-E-Mart will get many new customers, but how can I when I am up against Mr. Burns? He has won every award he has ever been up for and a few for which he has not by cheating."

Sanjay: "Oh, do not worry, Apu, your hard work WILL pay off. Now I am going to go back and sit down before little Jamshed eats all of our popcorn and beef jerky."

(Sanjay leaves and POOF! Devil Flanders appears beside Apu)

Devil Flanders: "I could make it so you win the award, for a price...."

Apu: "Oh! It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god. I am not even supposed to believe in you let alone make a deal with you. Besides, how do I know you did not offer the same thing to Mr. Burns?"

Devil Flanders: "I can't, he already sold me his soul so I would shortpack his first figure as well as give him a partnership in FigWiz.com, allowing him to sell both his original and Pin Pal figure on ToyBay for a 900% mark-up."

Apu: "A 900% mark-up sounds tempting but Manjula will make me sleep on the bathroom floor if I don't win this award...NO! I still will not, I cannot give you my soul!"

Devil Flanders: "Have it your way, but I'll see you in hell yet, Apu Nahasa..Nawasa..Napasawasa...oh, forget it, doing the paperwork would be positively hellish."

(POOF!)

(back at the ceremony)

Troy: "How about that Duff Light, folks? Give it up for the drink that lights up any night so bright you don't even need headlights! That's right, folks, you can wear your sunglasses at night when you're drinking Duff Light! Our next award is for those characters who are always there but you never notice them, except once a year at these awards, the Best Supporting Character Figures! Here to present the award are Krusty the Clown and Waylon Smithers!"

(applause)

Krusty: "HEY, HEY! Here we are to present the nominees for Best Supporting Character Figure."

Smithers: "You know, Krusty, as a child I was always afraid of clowns..."

Krusty: "Yeah, me too, I...What the!? Afraid of clowns?! What the hell is wrong with you? There are millions of Krusty Fan Club members out there watching this! Don't listen to him, kids, clowns aren't scary, see..." (Krusty spins his bow-tie, bugs his eyes out, opens his mouth, sticks his tongue out, flails his arms around, laughs manically into the camera)

(audience gasps)

Smithers: "Uh, Krusty, I was just, uh, reading the teleprompter..."

Krusty: "Oh, heh, heh. Well, anyway, the nominees are..."

Smithers: "And the Best Supporting Character Figure of 2000 is...wait, this can't be, I made SURE that Mr. Burns would win..."

Fat Tony: (in audience, counting money, shrugs) "The man said it was the best ballot box stuffer money can buy."

Professor Frink: (underneath the stage floor, working on a machine with robot arms frantically throwing ballots in the air) "Oy, glavin! What is the problem, Chad-O-Matic 2000? Is it the widgets, or the gadgets, or the rivets, or the, hey, hey, it hurts me!" (a lab monkey jumps on Frink's head and steals his glasses, then Frink slips and falls into a pile of ballots)

Smithers: "Oh, I'm a failure...it's a tie between Apu AND Mr. Burns."

(Smithers begins pounding his forehead into the podium)

Smithers: "I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed..."

(applause)

Manjula: (in audience) "In America, every vote counts."

(the camera view widens to show her octuplets lined up beside her in eight seats)

Mr. Burns: (grabbing the award before Apu has a chance) "Sorry, my foreign chum, but this award is MINE. Blinky is as American as apple pie, a Monday morning ferry ride, or Eleanor Roosevelt. Besides, my power plant created the Blinky."

Apu: "Oh, Mr. Burns! I am an American citizen, didn't you see episode 3F20? Besides, you already had your Blinky and ate him too in episode 7F01!"

Comic Book Guy: (in audience) "Worst episodes ever."

Apu: "Everyone knows you cheated, Mr. Burns, this award is MINE!"

(the two struggle until...)

Snake: "YOINK! I'll be taking that." (runs off the stage) "Oh, no, I hate fish."

Mr. Burns: "This is an outrage! You'll pay, Springfield, you'll pay for your insolence!"

Apu: (curses in an indecipherable language)

(applause)

Troy: "Oh, well, better luck next time, fellas. Our next award is for one of those places where everybody knows your name...hmm, the YMCA? Oh, I mean a place where we love to interact, the Best Interactive Environment of 2000. And here to present the award is local idiot Homer Simpson and his son, town menace Bart Simpson."

(audience stares)

Bart: "Hey, Dad, we're presenting the award for best buffoon, and you won!"

Homer: "WOO (questioning) hoo? Wait a minute, WHY YOU LITTLE..."

(Homer strangles Bart until police security breaks them up)

Officer Lou: "Sorry about that, folks. Haven't heard of anything like that happening on stage since Joan Crawford lost the Oscar in 1948. And now, the nominees for Best Interactive Environment are..."

Officer Eddie: "The Best Interactive Environment of 2000 is...Kwik-E-Mart. Accepting for the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu."

(applause)

Apu: "Oh, I am so honored. Thank you, sweet Ganesh! Truly this award goes to all of the Kwik-E-Mart employees, who would have attended tonight if they were not still being treated at Dr. Nick's Medical Clinic & Massage Parlor for multiple gunshot wounds and food poisoning. Thanks are also due to my beautiful, fertile wife Manjula, and to my eight happy, screaming children. I hope you will all come and see the winning location after the ceremony. To celebrate, we will be offering 10% off of all expired pork products!"

Krusty: (in audience) "Miss Pennycandy, get out my Krusty credit card, dinner's on me tonight!"

Sideshow Mel: (in audience) "But, Krusty, the doctor said your intestinal tract doesn't have the fortitude to digest a feast so rich in meats and/or dairy products!"

Krusty: (in audience) "I don't pay you to talk!"

Troy: "And now, finally, the award you've all been waiting for, the final, crowning achievement to be presented tonight, we always save the best for last, after this one the show is finally over and we can go home, folks, the Best Figure of 2000 Award! But first, the Lifetime Achievement Award of 2000 for Most Outstanding Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Simpsons Collecting Excellence. This one goes to the person who has done the most to advance the hobby and bring money into the World of Springfield. Here to present the award are Marge Simpson and Barney Gumble."

(applause)

Barney: "Hey, Margie, lookin' good. BUUUURRRPPP!"

Marge: "Oh, Barney, did you fall off the wagon again?"

Barney: "No, I'm clean and sober, but they made my figure look drunk anyway."

Marge: "Oh, my goodness. Dear audience, it should be known that everyone nominated for this award should feel just as special as the person that wins it. The nominees have gone out of their way to help the fans and advance the hobby, and each and every one deserves an award and a great big bowl of strawberry ice cream."

Barney: "The nominees...BELCH!...are..."

Marge: "And the first ever recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Blinky Award is...oh, my goodness, MARK! (markwars1972)

(applause tapering off into moans of disgust as Mark walks on stage)

Mark: "There is no emoticon for what I am feeling. Thank you."

Comic Book Guy: (in audience) "Ooh, worst dialogue rip-off ever!"

Troy: "And finally tonight, the award you've all been waiting for, the Best Figure of 2000! Here to present this award, is...oh, this is a treat, ME, Troy McClure! Tonight's nominees are..."

Troy: "Haha, that Sideshow Bob, so charming, and always a kidder. And the Best Figure of 2000 is..." (drumroll) "...CHIEF WIGGUM!"

(applause)

Chief Wiggum: "Well, uhm, uh, I don't know where to begin. Okay... Ever since I was a little kid, I dreamed of..." (the band cuts him off)

Troy: "Okay, that's all the time we have tonight for the First Annual Blinky Awards. We hope you enjoyed the show, and we hope you'll enjoy a free sample 6-pack of Duff Light before driving home tonight. With any luck, we'll see you all again next year at the 2001 Blinky Awards. Good night, Springfield!" (Troy walks off the stage and lights up a cigarette)

(applause)

(one hour later, just about everyone's gone home, and while the last of the crowd clears out Groundskeeper Willie is sweeping up the mess that remains)

Willie: (to himself) "Aye! Bunch of fancy-pants, stage-speakin' fish-huggers can keep their blinkin' awards. Won't even nominate ol' Willie, will ya?"

Captain McAllister: "Yaaarrrgh. I feel yar pain, but thar's always next yar."

THE END.

Images by blueduck37.
Nominating and voting done by the members of the Simpsons Collector Sector message board.
Series 1 through 3 and all exclusives made during that time period were eligible this year.